Butterflied
by UniqueInsanity
Summary: Sara's outlook on her feelings for Grissom and his feelings for her. Set just after Butterflied. GSR. Please R&R -xx
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately. I can only dream.

Once again, I come home to an empty house. No lights on, not a sound filtering through the rooms. It doesn't seem like much of a home; it doesn't feel like it. I should be used to it by now. It has been a long time since I have come home to a house where there was someone waiting for me.

Today it hits me harder than most. A nurse murdered in her home, poised in her bathroom. A tired sigh fills my ears, and it takes me a moment as I wrestle with my key in the door, to realise it is my own.

I seem to be running on autopilot, more like a robot, than human. Trying to stick to my routine is harder than normal. I lock my door behind me, flick on the dim lights that desperately need to be changed, and shuffle towards the kitchen, turning on the kettle.

There is nothing but the necessities in this house, the bare minimum. Nothing which really makes this shelter a home,

What has happened to me today?

I leaned back against the counter, closing my eyes as I let the soft sound of the bubbling water in the kettle sooth my pain.

Did he know I was there? Did he realise I was standing behind the two-way mirror, hanging on his every word, feeling my throat tighten, my heart beat speed up. I could tell you meant everything that you said, there was a sparkle in your eyes, one I know is only there when you believe in what you are saying.

For so long, I have hid my feelings, buried them, oppressed them, deep down inside. It was all in vain.

I can't keep my feelings to myself. I can't be like you, Grissom.

The click from the kettle draws me from my thoughts, I unconsciously turn to reach for a cup, and set about the monotonous task of making a cup of tea, but it is routine. After a few moments I make my way to the two-seater sofa, kicking off my shoes and sitting down, pulling my legs tight beneath me. I hold the cup in both my hands, cradling it as if it were a fragile treasure. In a way it is. I can feel the heat beneath my skin, at the tips of my fingers. It reminds me that I am still alive.

I can still hear your words echoing in my mind, as if you had been shouting them at me.

_We wake up one morning and realize that for 50 years we haven't really lived at all... But then one day, someone young and beautiful offers to share their life with you, someone you can care about. We have to give up everything we worked for to have them, I couldn't do it... but you did._

Is this what I get, the knowledge that yes, you do have feelings for me, despite how you push me away, how you tell me I must keep my feelings to myself, you actually do have something for me. Why now, Gil? Why reveal this to me now?

Or have you only realised this for yourself, right now? Has it only just dawned on you, that the looks we share, the lingering touches, the flirtatious smiles, that they are more than just something between friends or even work colleagues? I have known for a long time, since I was your student, hanging on your every word, praising the ground you walk on, eager to hear more from you, to please you, to show you my talent. It hasn't changed. Not now. Not ever.

You know how you feel, you admitted it; to a total stranger albeit, but you did. That should make me feel happy, but it doesn't. You admit how you feel, but also, in a way, you admit how you can't give up everything you have worked for, to have me.

That hurts, but that's life.

When I wake up screaming, drenched in my own cold sweat, I instantly reach to the other side of my empty bed, expecting to find warmth there, some comfort, but I never do. You aren't that man, the man who could help me through that. At least, you never show that side to me. Sometimes it makes me wonder if you have any feelings at all. Can anything hurt you, excite you, scare you, and please you? Anything but your work, that is.

I love you Gil. I think I've loved you since the moment I saw you or at least known that I would love you. Pathetic, I know, but very true.

It's going to go back to normal now. Me trying to hide my feelings, trying to hide that I know how you feel. Those moments I lived for, where it only seemed to be you and I in a room, will just be awkward little moments I'm dying to escape from.

As if on que, to allow me to escape from my haunting thoughts, a knock on the door breaks through the silence in the room. I put down my untouched cup of tea, and pull myself to my feet. I didn't think anybody knew where I lived. Nobody asked and nobody called. Maybe it was just somebody trying to sell me something. It was late, but hey, stranger things had happened in Vegas.

I opened the door slowly, silently wishing I had invested in a peephole, to have some idea on my late night visitor.

A small gasp left my lips, and my breathing seemed to become laboured. "Grissom… What are you doing here?" I asked on an automatic impulse.

He stood before me, looking slightly embarrassed, but adorable as hell. Clearing his throat, he smiled softly, those cute puppy dog eyes locked with mine. "Sara, hey.. Em.. Brass said you were there, earlier, in the interview room.. And I had to come see you.."

Oh no.

I could feel myself blushing ever so slightly. Forcing a smile on my lips I nodded, stepping aside and opening the door into my residence, allowing him to step inside. "Come on in.."

Dun dun dunnn..

To be continued.

A/N: My very first CSI fic, quite a bleak beginning, but my promises it will get more light hearted.

Please review, let me know what you like don't like, where you'd like the fic to go.

-Rach

-xx


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Really liking how this is going, and hope you guys are too :D Thanks for the lovely reviews, and keep them coming.

Enjoy!

-xx

xxx

Forcing a smile on my lips I nodded, stepping aside and opening the door into my residence, allowing him to step inside. "Come on in.."

I looked down at my feet, mainly so that I didn't have to meet his eyes as he brushed past me, slipping inside. I looked up finally as I closed the door behind him, ensuring to turn the lock in the door. The little things you learn in this job.

I folded my arms across my chest as I asked, "Can I get you anything? Soda? Tea?" I could at least attempt to be a good hostess.

There was a tension building, so fast, so hard; I'm surprised we couldn't feel it. Your sparkling blue eyes met mine, and I could feel a ghost of a smile appearing on my lips.

Damn you, Grissom.

You shook your head, and sat down in the seat that I had only just vacated, and motioned for me to sit next to you. It felt more like we were in your office rather than my home. "No, Sara, I'm fine thank you. I just came here to talk."

Unfolding my arms, I nodded and sat beside him, pulling my feet up under me once more, turning to face him. "Yeah, I guess we do need to talk.."

This was it.

Taking a deep breath, you turned your head to face me, "Sara.." You began, but looked away and sighed heavily.

I had begun to speak, "Look, Grissom.. We don't have to do this, I mean we ca-", but you cut across me. "No, Sara. We do."

Once more, silence shuffled forward over us, as you searched for the correct words to describe how you were feeling, and I was in no hurry for you to begin. "I didn't know you were there.. If I knew you were there, I wouldn't have said anything. I was just venting, Sara.."

"It's fine, Grissom." I said, holding up both my hands for a moment before dropping them back into my lap. "You were just saying how you felt, there's nothing wrong with that." I whispered softly to him, fearing that if I were to speak louder, my voice would crack.

"Is it really? I can tell I hurt you, Sara. I know you, and I can see it in your eyes, that I hurt you. I don't want to hurt you." I could see it in the way you rubbed your fingers together as you spoke, getting your words out was hard for you.

We were very alike on that level; communication was one of our weaker points. We're the loners, in society.

I stood up, unable to sit in such close proximity to you. I ran one hand over my mouth, tilting my head back slightly, whilst the other ran down my side, just as I tried to think. I turned to face you now; one hand perched on my hip, the 'Sara Stance', as Greg calls it. "Grissom.. We both know, how I feel.. I think I made it quite obvious.. But you've also made your feelings just as obvious, and I can't blame you for doing that. We'll just go back to how we always were, Boss and Worker relationship, no more." This was the best we could both do, wasn't it?

You sat forward, almost mirroring my earlier movements, running your fingers across your beard, flexing your jaw as you thought, stressing over your words. I could see the turmoil deep inside of you. "But.. What if I'm making a mistake here, Sara? How many more mornings can I wake up, knowing that I'm not living my life at all, that everything I have worked for, is actually nothing in comparison to the young, beautiful woman offering to let me into her life."

A sigh left my lips, as I took a few steps away, shaking my head ever so slightly, running my fingers through my hair. I couldn't deal with this. "Don't do this to me, Gil. Please. I can't think of what if's, and but's. That would just destroy me." I turned back to look at you, and the feeling of my tears stinging the back of my eyes was overwhelming, but I would not cry from my frustration.

"I don't know, what to do, Sara.." Your voce had more emotion in it than I knew was possible for you. Was it desperation I heard? Pleading?

"I think you should go, Gil.. It isn't fair to either of us." I whispered, and watched you stand silently, sighing.

You walked towards the door, hands in your pocket, and I followed after you, opening the door for you and letting you step outside. You turned to face me, the sparkle in your blue eyes gone now.

"You need to decide, Gil. What is it you want? Me or your work." I said slowly, not hiding the pain in my voice now; I just didn't have the energy. "Goodnight, Gil.." And with that, I closed the door on you, but not before I heard your reply, "Goodnight, Sara.. Love.."

xxx

**A/N: **Second chapter up, and hopefully you enjoyed it :D I know it was shorter, but I promise, I shall make up for it. Will be updating soon, but the ore reviews, the sooner I update. Hint hint ;)

-xx


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Midterm for a week and a new lappy do was quite eager to get this chapter up. Found it a little harder to do this one, but I think I managed to pull it off.

Set in Episode 4X16, Getting Off.

Thanks for all the lovely reviews so far, keep 'em coming guys and gals :D

Enjoy, and R&R

-xx

_xxx_

"Sara, could you eh.. Help me out?" 

Of course you'd ask me to help you, nothing ever stopped you from using me when you needed me. "With what?"

"A woman. I need you to process a female suspect for me."

Then again, you may have asked because you already knew the answer to the question you asked me. You know I can never say no to you, and I sometimes wonder if you use that to your advantage.

I agreed, and off I went, like your lapdog, but that was fine with me, with both of us. Really, I was glad to be doing something for you, just to have a little bit more contact with you than I have had recently. I get the feeling you've been avoiding the private moments we used to have, just you and I, but I can't blame you.

I processed your suspect for you, something I still haven't gotten used to in all my years of work here. I somehow think I will never become accostomed to seeing women in such a state, and to not feel some sympathy or the urge to help them. I can't do it like you can.

It doesn't take me long to track you down, in the hallway, awaiting your results. "Samples from your suspect. There's nothing but a few track marks. No defensive wounds, no bruising. Junkies usually bruise if you breathe on them too hard. She is a pile of twigs. Very frail." You've just been watching me, your head tilted slightly to the side, your lips parted slightly.I would give anything to know what was going through your head there and then. "What?" My curiosity gets the better of me.

You smile softly, straightening up. "I haven't seen you for a while, have I?"

You really mean that you haven't seen me since the night I closed my door in your face. Since you confessed to me, that yes, you do have feelings for me, and that it may actually be a mistake that you're turning me away.

Of course, I say none of that. It's easier to pretend like nothing happened. I force a smile to my lips, an art that I am proud to say I have mastered. "You see me every day." With that, I walk away, fearing if I don't, I may forget how to breathe.

Just as I turn the corner away from you, I almost knock Catherine opver. Just what I need. She looks at me with a glint in her eyes, one that should really make me fear what she has on her mind. A sly smlie tugs on the corner of her lips as she beckons me to follow her. "We have some clown sex to investigate, Sara."

Good. Something to focus on, to occupy my thoughts with. I will thank you forever for this, Catherine. "Oh joy, something I have always wanted to do." I replied, the sarcasm dripping from my voice, to which you laughed. I never liked clowns.

Following you out to the SUV, we walked in silence, a comfortable one at that, might I add. I was just glad to be getting away from the lab for a bit. Too much time cooped up inside was never good. I took the passenger seat, whilst you climbed into the driver seat.

You grinned up at me as you put the key in the ignition and revved the engine. "So, now that I have you alone, we can talk." That devilish smile had returned to your lips, the glint gleaming in your eyes. I don't even have a chance to ask what the subject will be before you continue. I should know that by now. "Sara, I am a trianed investigator, and also a woman. Do you think I'm totally blind?" You pulled out of the parking lot, and onto the busy Vegas roads.

I look away, biting my lip ever so slightly. I loked out the window, watching the cars whirl by, thinking of a way to answer you. I really didn't want to have this conversation. Not now. Not ever. The dumb card seemed to be my only option. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about, Cath."

Resistance was futile when it came to you. "I can see the looks, Sara, and the touches, the smiles, the hands. I can only repeat, I'm not blind. I know how you feel for Gil, and I know how he feels for you. The thing is, you are the most likely of the both of you, to get the wheel in motion. You know him just as well as I do, if not even better. You know he runs at the first sign of anyone having any feelings for him. he just doesn't know how to deal with it."

"More like he is emotionally unavailable." I muttered under my breath, causing you to laugh ever so lightly before you continued on.

"I can only guess, you made it clear to him your feelings, and he rejected you." I took your pause as a waiting for me to confirm, so I nodded, allowing you to continue on, but you didn't. I glanced sideways at you, and seen you looking at me, urging me to tell you what happened.

"He just.. Said no, Cath.." Talking wasn't my strong point, and I didn't want to try and improve on it now.

"Grissom, only saying no? Well that for a start, is one bad attempt at a lie, Sara Sidle."

I sighed heavily, looking back out to the stream of traffic. "He came to my house, about a week ago. Cutting it short, he said we can't be together, but it may also be a mistake that he is making, and he doesn't want to realise in a few years that letting me go was a mistake." I said, leaning my head against the window.

Your exclamation was a shock to me, making me jump slightly. "Sara! What did you do?"

I could feel myself blush slightly as I looked at her again. "Well.. I um.. Told him to go, and to figure it out." This time, it was her turn to sigh.

"Then you need to go to him." She stated, almost matter of factly.

"What? Why should I go to him? I've done enough chasing in my life time now." I muttered, like a sulking child.

"You love him, don't you?" With another confirming nod from me, she continued. "Well, that there is your reason to go after him. You love him. Him telling you that, is as good as admitting he loves you. It was also a cry for you to not send him away, to tell him that it wasn't a mistake. Reassure him." I can't help but thinking how you know all this? Is there some gene that I missed out on inheriting that makes it easier to know what men are thinking? Is there anywhere where I can get it?

"Cath.. It's complicated.." I didn't know what else to say. I was never one for these sort of conversations.

"Love is always complicated, dear, but you have to figure out if he's worth it or not. And he is a good man. You should grab onto him while you can and refuse to let go. Go after him, Sara."

I sighed once more, and looked back to the window. How long had we been stopped for? Work, once again my saviour. "Come on.. Clown sex to look for.." I said as I unbuckled my belt and slipped out of the jeep before you could say anything else to me.

Should I go after him?

_xxx_

Chapter three! Love it or hate it? Let me know in the reviews :D

Chapter four, coming soon ;)

-xx


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Hope all are enjoying this :D thanks so much for the kind words.

Set just after 4X23

Hope you all enjoy!

-xx

_**xxx**_

I've found myself once more in the passenger seat of the Denali, being brought home by a co-worker. This time, I had something i didn't have the last time. A DUI.

What was I thinking? How stupid had I been, to drink so much? To get into a car? I sighed, leaning more on my hand, propped up on the thin ledge of the window. I glanced sideways, to the driver. It was harder to take in knowing he was beside me, knowing what a fool I had been.

What does Gil Grissom think of me now? I'm not sure I would even want to know.

I was never one for therapy, I couldn't talk to people about my feelings, I couldn't comprehend how someone could tell me how to deal with my own problems. What makes them qualified to do so? The thought that it had even been suggested to me by you, as something I should consider made me feel somehow angry with you. or was it just the effects of the alcohol?

"I'm not an alcoholic, you know.. I just had too much to drink." I just couldn't stand the silence anymore. It was deafening.

"I wasn't thinking that, Sara. Not at all." Your reply was simple, but I seen how your grip tightened on the steering wheel as you turned into the parking lot for my apartment.

"Then, will you tell me what you were thinking, before I go out of my mind Grissom." It wasn't so much a question, but a command.

I heard the sigh leave your lips, and you turned the ignition off, turning your head slightly to look at me. "I.." You were struggling with your words. "I just can't help thinking that it's my fault.. That it's because of my.. Rejection that pushed you to drinking, Sara. You were never one for that." I never understood how people can talk about you, as if they know you, when they don't.

"Grissom. To be honest, you don't know much about me. I mean, can you tell me what my favourite colour is?" When there was no reply, I continued, "So how can you possibly think you know if I was or wasn't the type of person who enjoyed a few beers?"

The pain deep inside was far from numbed by the alcohol, it was obviously wearing off much faster than I anticipated. You had your mouth opened slightly, but there was no sound, your words just wouldn't come out.

"Sara, why are we doing this to ourselves? We just keep hurting the other, more and more." Your voice was restrained, struggling with how you felt. i seemed to be getting better at reading how you felt, or at least taking better guesses.

"Grissom, I have never loved anyone in my life. I didn't think love existed. I didn't know what it was, I didn't know how to do it, and I didn't know what it felt like. But that all changed when I met you. I learnt what love was, what it felt like, the only thing I haven't learnt, is what it feels like to be loved." I couldn't look at you as I spoke, my eyes fixed on my hands in my lap. I refused to cry, and already it felt like I may lose that battle.

"I can't love you Sara, because I don't know what it's like to love anyone.I just physically don't know how to do it." You thought that explanation would be enough, but it wasn't.

"I didn't know what it was either, Grissom. But I learned." I couldn't stay here much longer, I felt like I was suffocating inside. I needed air, needed room to breathe.

"I do have feelings for you.. But I just need the chance to be allowed to love you, Sara. To learn." You met my eyes this time, your eyes piercing, demanding.

Could I do that? Could I allow you the time to fall in love with me, even though it may not happen, that you may walk away from me. I don't have a choice in this. I can't accept anything less than love.

I looked away from you, saying nothing as I shakily reached for the handle for the Denali door, opening it and stepping out. I turned back to glance at you for a second. "Do you want to know, why I drink?" I wasn't waiting for an answer, "I drink so when I wake up, alone in my bed, the first thing I think of is the pain i feel in my head, not the pain I feel in my heart from your absence."

I turn to walk away, but you shout out to me, making me turn to face you. "Blue!"

With a puzzled look on my face, I ask, "What?"

"Blue. Your favourite colour is blue." You were right.

I sighed softly, turning away.

It wasn't enough.

_**xxx**_

**A/N:** Violaaa!

You know the drill, reviewww :D for every review, you save a kitten! For the sake of the kittens! and geek love ;)

Chapter 5 coming soon ;)

-xx


	5. Chapter 5

**Butterflied: Chapter 5**

**A/N: **Sorry for not updating sooner, hopefully this makes up for it ;)

Last chappy, guys!

Enjoy!

Review :D

-xx

_**xxx**_

Its dark out, the complex outside your apartment seems to be empty. If I didn't know any better I would think nobody was home. I knew you were off tonight, we both were. Well, I had been off for quite some time now. Two weeks un-paid leave. How fun was that for me?

With all the free time I had to myself, I found myself doing something I generally didn't do; think.

I thought about everything. About how we met, our work, my life, my mother and father, Catherine's words to me, your words to me. I learnt a lot, and now I was going to act on it.

I loved you that much were undeniable. I feel like I have loved you forever. Without you, I feel I may self-destruct. I know you have feelings for me too, but you are just too scared to act on them. I'm not going to let you get away.

I pulled myself from the driver's seat in the Denali, and slowly make my way to your from door. I knocked three times, slowly, confidently.

I could feel my heart hammering in my chest now, my throat was a little dry. I cleared my throat, just before you opened the door.

I was left shocked, in silence. You were wearing pajama bottoms and a shirt, your hair was ruffled, as if you had been sleeping. Awkwardly, I smiled, "I'm sorry, if I woke you. It isn't that important... I can come back another time." I was already backing down.

You smiled softly, shaking your head as you opened your door a little more for me. "Come on in."

I tentatively stepped inside, smiling ever so slightly as I looked around me. I had never been in your home before, but it was exactly as I expected. Books, papers, journals littered every available space. What wasn't taken up by your reading materials was taken up by your experiments; you bugs.

"Welcome to my humble abode." You said, in that adorable Grissom way. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

I tore my eyes away from the room before me, following you as you lead me to the sitting room. "Sure, a soda would be great."

Moments later, you appeared back in the room, with two sodas, handing one to me as you sat beside me on the sofa, just like we had that night in my apartment.

"So, what can I do for you, Sara?" You asked your piercing blue eyes inquisitive.

I was struggling with the task I had set for myself, but I was determined. "I just wanted to come by and talk. A lot has happened between us, Gil. It's destroying what was a great friendship. If that's all that is there, is friendship, I will leave it at that. But I know, and you know, there is a lot more than friendship between us. There has been for five years." I didn't seem to pause once, and found myself struggling to regain my breath now.

One thing I hated about you was how carefully you thought about your words. The long, awkward pauses between each of your replies. But I had grown accustomed to it now; expected it.

"Sara, I still don't know what to do about this..." You gestured between us both.

"I do." I said simply. "Why not just give it a try, Grissom? What is there to lose?"

"You. I don't want to lose you, Sara. You mean too much to me."

I was more than taken aback by your very honest answer. It left me speechless for a moment. Tentatively, I reached out, resting my hand over yours, your skin was so warm beneath mine. "Gil, you won't lose me. I can guarantee that. I love you, I'm going nowhere."

You took a deep breath, shuddering through your body, "What if I mess up, and hurt you? I'm no good in relationships, Sara. The last thing I want to do is hurt you."

"I'm no good in relationships either, Gil. But you and I, we are alike. I know that this will be good. I'm willing to put the effort in, if you are."

"I just... Don't want to hurt you, Sara."

"Turning me away, avoiding me. That hurts me. Starting a relationship with me, will far from hurt me. Let us just try, Gil. If it doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be. But I have a good feeling about this." I was on a roll, I wasn't backing down.

After another pause, you looked at me. "Me too."

It took me a moment to process exactly what it was that you meant. "You... You do? Really?"

You smiled and nodded, turning your hand over under mine, entwining our fingers. It felt so right. "Yes, Sara. Really."

In that moment, everything melted away. I could feel the grin spreading onto my lips. I could also feel, for the first time in a very long time, that I was genuinely happy.

You leaned forward, and I met you, our lips meeting for the first time, eyes closing. I could feel nothing but your lips on mine, the soft, sweet taste of your lips.

I ran my hand into your hair, keeping you close to me, wanting to enjoy every last moment of this.

You slowly pulled away, smiling still as you opened your eyes, meeting mine. "God, Sara. I have thought about this on many occasions, but I never thought it would feel so good."

I couldn't help but laugh, and even felt myself blushing ever so slightly. "I'm glad the real thing is better than your fantasies."

"Oh, trust me, it is so much better."

This was it. I knew it was right. I was with you, where I knew I belonged, where I felt safe.

Most of all, I was happy.

_**xxx**_

**A/N: **The endddddd!

Hope everyone enjoyed!

Thank you for reading, and being so nice in your reviews.

I appreciate it a lot.

Keep an eye out, I will have plenty more where this came from ;)

-xx


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